On Growth and Expansion
Breaking free from the world as I know it through a recalibration of the heart, mind and soul. Going back to the very roots of it all, finding out who I Am, and just allowing, just Being.
To be, at the very least, incrementally better than you were last year is the sort of very mild goal one (ideally) should have at the onset of every new year.
I know this to be true, now that I’ve started on the journey to wholeness/ healing/ back to Self. At AOD (Art of Dreaming) where I completed the Midlife Program last year, one of the strongest visuals passed on to me was seeing myself growing/ moving along a vertical line, upwards, instead of on a horizontal line, which is very linear, hooked on time, events, people, in other words, this physical world as we see/ know it. I say this image is strong because as a former people pleaser, I know what it's like to be anxious, having built my whole life and my definition of success along this linear, horizontal line. Sure, external achievements are great but what about inner growth, what about alignment, what about connecting to the Divine? All of these bring about the visual of moving vertically upwards, in a position of always (again, ideally) growing, at your own pace, no longer affected by the physical limitations of time and perhaps not even space as you begin to explore new dimensions of your being. Growth also, no longer defined by the world but by yourself. Whether this means a greater capacity for loving, for deepening your connection to yourself, for expanding in ways that you never thought possible. Growth where results are much subtler but no less rewarding.
To have arrived at this understanding, my old ways of interacting with/ seeing the world had to be broken down. In the program, we were given all the resources we needed to wake up, gently, to the illusions we held on to for dear life starting from birth till the present. From the stories we tell ourselves, to the stories other people tell us, stories upon stories that have been woven in and around us so tightly that they have thickened into cocoons, keeping us from doing the very things we ought to, relegating us to small spaces, and blocking away so much of the bigger views that should be available to us.
To also be finally free of the triangle of disempowerment—the victim, the perpetrator and the martyr—three roles that we play maybe interchangeably, unconsciously and yet so convincingly that they have taken over our lives and have taken our power away—(this was one of my first a-ha moments, and there would be many), when I first realized how much of my life force I was allowing to drain away, how much I have lost myself, how much I have put away my own needs and dreams in exchange for the approval and expectations of others. The result was a version of me that was viciously overextending herself this way and that, hoping to find a place in the world to put herself in, not realizing that this space could only be found within.
But the Midlife Program does not dwell on that sense of loss. Yes, the whole world as you once knew it will dissolve quietly away but as it does so, a profound peace comes up as you are given the tools to begin to build upon a new dream, one that is aligned with your gifts and your design, that connects you to a higher purpose, that gives as much as it receives. The program puts you back as the cause of your own life trajectory, no longer simply as the effect of your accumulated life decisions. You are put back in the place of peace and power, so you can say goodbye to decline, as what midlife usually points towards, and instead start opening up towards new possibilities, expansion and growth.
It is not a one time deal. To come into full alignment, the Midlife Program asks that you do the inner work in return. And so, here are some of the things that have helped me in my journey in support of the teachings: asanas, breathwork, meditation, shadow work, cacao ceremonies, balancing of energies, sacred plant medicine, letting go and deeply surrendering, cultivating the right balance of energy, awareness and intent.
And the results of doing so: freeing myself from stories, going back to my gifts, going back to my heart, softening up, releasing fears and built-up defense/ survival mechanisms, breaking open and offering myself, finding my flow, trusting that I am allowed to do what I love, that I have space to play, and learn and grow, that there is no hurry, that I am blossoming in my own little way, that I am not limited by the physical boundaries of time, that I am living eternally in the present, that there is a new way of living, being, seeing.
So I look back to who I was in the beginning of 2023 and know certainly that there have been improvements, in subtle increments, not so obvious to the naked eye, but that is ok. I no longer go by the world’s standards, thankfully, but by my own. It’s about time (outside of time).
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